The first weeks – Sharman perspective

Hi Gang!

What an interesting couple of weeks… where to begin

So we ended off last time’s adventure having moved into the suburban ghetto of Beckton. Hobbo and I are still in our humble abode, and we have made some inroads into the job market, hoping to put at least two more pommies on the Dole, while we gang rape the pounds on offer.

We signed up with a catering company called Blue Arrow and we were immediately dispatched to duty. We had some hesitations about working as ‘juice-makers’ but were getting pretty desperado for the queen’s cash and 4 days of work didn’t sound too worse.

Hobbo and I were joined by Jenny (from thee block) and a Brazilian bird, Camilla, who had way too much frikkin airtime – el it couldn’t keep quiet. Hobbo and I were the heavies – our job was to slam apples, oranges, carrots and ginger into some seriously industrial blenders, while our ‘boss’, John added the extras required to make his famous smoothies.

John and Harri (female) own Big Banana (oh yeah!) Juice Bar. John was nowhere – sometimes we would lose him to the daydreams- he was a serious drifter, i think its from the weed – i reckon he’s punished a fair bit of the whacky tabacky in his time… for those of you who are familiar with SA music in the mid 80’s, he was apparently in a band called Face-to-Face, but i said to him: “dude, i was 3 when you had your number one hit on Radio 5 – just throwing it out there, but it doesn’t ring any bells”

For four days solid, we juiced, blended, cleaned siff pulp out of giant juicers, and smelt like reds from the fermented apples on my shoes. The triceps got a great work out though!

We were working at the Real Food Festival in Earl’s Court – it was a pretty massive event and EVERYTHING was ORGANIC!! organic chocolate, crab pate, fudge, kettle-fried chips… there were cooking lessons on the go, Jamie Oliver styles, livestock, including pigs that people weren’t allowed to touch or feed (or eat)

The juice was worth the squeeze, we finished on the Sunday and we decided to celebrate our Freedom day in style by heading to Wimbledon for the SaffaC&*t parties that were on offer. We arrived in Wimbledon, but we might as well have been at Newlands – oaks in Springbok and Stormers jersey’s – the code words were: “Storm saam; jou biskit, jou biskit; howzit Boet!” there were even Wit ou’s dressed as Bushmen, but they were deemed too racist to be in the bar and were asked to leave…

By UK standards the drinks were cheap – Savannahs and Castles were flying round the bar thick and fast for 1 pound 60 – what a bargain! We had rounded up the recruits – Black, Gel, pony and one or two other strays that we bumped into along the way.

Gel, in his typical greek manner, was fairly trolleyed, and he was a fan of bar-hopping while borrowing the pint glasses he was drinking out of – the contents of which weren’t his to begin with, I might add! He came across an umbrella in the street and thought it appropriate to LAUNCH the motherf&*er, javelin-style, at me 20 metres in front of him.

Next minute these Bobby’s pull a massive U-turn from nowhere, encircle us and confiscate the brolley from Gel – he wouldn’t shut up – all he was saying was: “Mike, who’s YOUR bobby?”

There were about 6 coppers around gel and they were giving him some major beef about drinking from the different pubs’ pint glasses in the street – its legal to drink in the streets in the UK, but they weren’t happy with his behaviour so the one cop says: “You have to give me that glass”

Gel: “Can i have one more sip, officer?”
Copper: (lank sarcastic) “how about you finish it in one?”
next thing gel smashes a whole pint of brandy, coke and probably beer down his throat and we were off to terrorise more english.

We had missed the last trains so we began our night bus journey home. Gel was pretty trashed and thought it was clever to start a game with Hobbo on the bus – he stands up and says:”hobbo, one for one?”

Hobbo: “Sure!”

Gel gave Hobbo the flattest five finger to the FACE…

Hobbo was still standing, and he proceeded to P0ES klap the face off of Gel! i stopped the game there and then.

The bus driver hated Gel -he tried to get on the bus without paying and then carried on tuning the bus driver in this Jamaican-like accent… she wasn’t impressed – the last straw was when we convinced Gel to have an epileptic fit on the bus – it’s his party trick, don’t ask!?!

he fell to the floor, had the fit, but the lack of a foaming-mouth was enough to get us kicked off the bus, Bus driver was having none of it!

7 buses later, we made it home at some unhuman hour, but we lived to tell the tale…

Last week we had some more work with the catering company – we worked at some fundraiser for soldiers that have been injured in the wars. The highlight of the night was the amateur boxing event – Army vs Cops to raise extra funds. Kinda ironic how some rich f&*(ers were backing some dude to smash another dude in the face and bleed, in order to raise funds for dudes who have been injured in conflict situations…?

Hobbo secured the first “real” job by landin an office job in Uxbridge for an insurance company – its forken far, but its good pay and the people are pretty chilled if he comes when he digs…so maybe he’ll be one of those annoying insurance salesmen soon?

i continued my job hunt and had some good potential interviews towards the end of the week – so holding thumbs I’ll be a suit in the massive london rat race, crawling around the tunnels of the underground, in a matter of days/weeks…

Bryan was here on Friday again – he brought in the supplies – most importantly Gel’s “Fish moth balls” and the cigarettes – if any of you ever come to visit, I ask you to please bring cartons of cigarettes – Marlboro Lights will do – we can sell them for 4 pounds a box as they sell for nearly 6 pounds here – bank it!

We did another spit braai on Saturday – it was the most flogged 18th birthday EVER – marquee, porter pottys in a caravan like they have at the Nedbank Challenge in Sun City, Bouncers even! this kid had a house with a cinema room and a games room with that massive dance machine where u jump on the squares, pinball machines and arcade games like pac man and space invaders – OVERBOARD! it was like an episode of MTV’s Super Sweet 16 – we were waiting for Usher to come skydiving into the tent!

we gang-raped this party of beers and boerie, so we could celebrate the day off with our housemates – it was a bank holiday today – it was the best day we’ve had here in terms of the weather – it was sunny, we had our braai going, we had the t-shirts off – AWESOME!!

until next time kideos…

Cheers out!

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