The last time you tuned in, I was trying to order Valium online to recover from the phuckshow that was PunchingBoxing Day and my unsuccessful attempts at dressing myself.
Jeans have become so complicated. ‘Loose, Straight, Bootcut, Standard, Regular, Skinny Fit, Skinny Leg, Flat Front Flare’ – and that’s just after perusing the first half of the Levi’s page, wait until you stumble across the cool kids at Diesel. ‘Larkee, Safado, Poiak, Keever, Timmen’ – I reckon Mark Shuttleworth had an easier time learning Russian and playing with knobs on the Soyuz spacecraft, than I had trying to get my head around Diesel jargon.
I don’t know much about fanciful denims, but what I do know is that I have a hate-hate relationship with skinny jeans. If there was a list of bad ideas from the last decade, they would feature in my top 10.
For starters, I need a shoehorn to squeeze my thighs into a pair of these bad boys, and on the one occasion when I actually managed to hold my breath long enough to swan between mirrors in the changeroom and ask the shop assistant for her advice, I felt like I needed aforementioned shoehorn to remove my nuts from my abdomen.
Chicks subscribe to the ‘beauty is painful’ philosophy, but that’s not my game. I have no interest in parading around in clothing that makes me look like I’ve just come down from a three month love affair with a Schedule 1 narcotic.
American cowboys would be turning in their graves if they were to see boys donning skinny jeans. How are you supposed to ride a horse and have indians take you seriously in a pair of skinnys?
I’m not a sadomasochist, but I decided to give jeans’ shopping one more go (deep breath). I charged the first establishment that housed clothing of a denim nature, scoped out a few mannequins that were looking slick, and searched the rack for the elusive 36w34L. One option. Changeroom. Fit. Purchase. Result!
Now, that’s how you buy clothes motherfornicators! As promised, below is a little taste to whet the appetite. You might even say: ‘One for the lay-deez’ 😉
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