Skinny Jeans

Hi all

The last time you tuned in, I was trying to order Valium online to recover from the phuckshow that was PunchingBoxing Day and my unsuccessful attempts at dressing myself.

Jeans have become so complicated.  ‘Loose, Straight, Bootcut, Standard, Regular, Skinny Fit, Skinny Leg, Flat Front Flare’ –  and that’s just after perusing the first half of the Levi’s page, wait until you stumble across the cool kids at Diesel. ‘Larkee, Safado, Poiak, Keever, Timmen’ – I reckon Mark Shuttleworth had an easier time learning Russian and playing with knobs on the Soyuz spacecraft, than I had trying to get my head around Diesel jargon.

I don’t know much about fanciful denims, but what I do know is that I have a hate-hate relationship with skinny jeans. If there was a list of bad ideas from the last decade, they would feature in my top 10.

For starters, I need a shoehorn to squeeze my thighs into a pair of these bad boys, and on the one occasion when I actually managed to hold my breath long enough to swan between mirrors in the changeroom and ask the shop assistant for her advice, I felt like I needed aforementioned shoehorn to remove my nuts from my abdomen.

Chicks subscribe to the ‘beauty is painful’ philosophy, but that’s not my game. I have no interest in parading around in clothing that makes me look like I’ve just come down from a three month love affair with a Schedule 1 narcotic.

American cowboys would be turning in their graves if they were to see boys donning skinny jeans. How are you supposed to ride a horse and have indians take you seriously in a pair of skinnys?

Doing manly things like wearing regular jeans, and bonding!

Doing manly cowboy things like male bonding! Notice the regular jeans?

I’m not a sadomasochist, but I decided to give jeans’ shopping one more go (deep breath). I charged the first establishment that housed clothing of a denim nature, scoped out a few mannequins that were looking slick, and searched the rack for the elusive 36w34L. One option.  Changeroom.  Fit. Purchase. Result!

Now, that’s how you buy clothes motherfornicators! As promised, below is a little taste to whet the appetite. You might even say: ‘One for the lay-deez’ 😉

'Iron Mike?' No you didn't. Yes, yes I did

Can you feel that? huh? Can ya?

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  • SlickTiger on Dec 31st 2009 at 11:19

    My eyes are bleeding 🙁

  • Savannah on Dec 31st 2009 at 07:20

    Mike, I can only hope these jeans make an appearance soon…perhaps for a Sunday roast?

  • Cassi on Dec 31st 2009 at 11:16


    Those pictures of you are hysterical, how do you come up with this stuff! ;-);-);-)

    Oh and about the skinny jeans……. maybe stay away from the skinny legging jeans and the extream skinnies…. try a super skinny (3rd on the hierarchy of skaaaaaaannnnnnyyyyyyy) they really work for me 😉


  • Mike on Jan 1st 2010 at 07:08

    Hey Savannah – are you propositioning me with a spit roast? We may have to run that past Drew 😉

    Ola Cassi – super skinny sounds like a super bad idea. Remind me to never ask for your advice when it comes to jean pant purchases. pfft!

  • Earl – the mous uselesess irish men your not likely to meet on Jan 6th 2010 at 12:35

    Dude with those kankles i fear skinny’s may not be the way forward

  • Mike on Jan 7th 2010 at 02:31

    I had to add a special mention of my ‘makeover Muse’, Ana – thanks for your blood, sweat and tears 😉

    I was of the opinion that people would be embarrassed to be associated with the nudity, foul language and other immature ramblings that are compiled on this site, but not Ana. If you would like to sign up to have Ana take you on your very on queer-eye quest to find a pair of jeans to lift and tuck your derrière, send me a mail mike.sharm[at]

    Laters playas

  • Ellie on Jan 13th 2010 at 04:15

    I see you’re busy ironing your fave outfit of all…nothing! 😉 x

  • Get Your Guns Out Friday | Sharman and Hobbo on Feb 22nd 2010 at 02:51

    […] laydeez in my office outnumber the guys, quite significantly, and they are forever attempting to queer eye my hetero ass. I have to give them credit. Despite the fact that they belittle my clothing, hairstyle, footwear, […]

  • uberVU – social comments on Mar 1st 2010 at 01:54

    Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by murraylegg: Skinny Jeans great post by @mikesharman…

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