I’m by no means an expert when it comes to engaging females, hell I’m distinctly average at even dating the things but what I do know is that ‘The Proposal’ is a pretty high stakes affair. And it’s quite important that you don’t fuck it up!

Girls want originality and style, with only a smidgen of cheese. FYI, I would ask for a refund if you just booked the engagement package (along with 25 other non creatives) to Paris that pitstops at Lover’s Bridge and the Eiffel Tower – LAME!

About three days ago, I departed for the highly recommended (thanks Sak and Maggot) Secret Wall hike up the Pretty Frikkin Great Wall of China -you’re gonna have to use your imagination now – promise to load a highlights reel of images next week to make you jealous MUCH 😉

There were about 20 of us kicking it on an unrestored trail of the Wall, being led by a 71 year old, Yoda stunt double.

The lack of F-O HUGE SLR-wielding tourists and intermittent cloud cover enhanced the EpicFierce ambience. This location had all the makings of a qualitay engagement spot.

A few hours later, after making the Great Wall our biyatch and waiting for some food (you can’t call it Chinese food when you’re in China, that would just be redundant) to arrive, I was trying to spark some conversation, and acting out tales of eel catching Japanese game shows from the week before (shout out to Russ and Ellie for being supportive audience members and actually laughing).

Cue awkward silence!

I persevered and when a plate consisting purely of onions arrived, I chuckled to this Pasty bird opposite me: ‘Go easy on the onions, love, or there’ll be no kisses for you tonight!”

I motioned to her boyfriend to go along with my little game of joke-joke, but she quickly intercepted: ‘Well, he has no choice!’
‘And, why is that my dear?’, I retorted.
‘Because, we’re engaged’, said she.

Everyone at the table was a little lost.

‘Oh, cool. When did you get engaged?’, I back-peddled.
‘About 10 minutes ago’.
‘WTF, did Pasty and Captain Britain (as per the shirt he was wearing – SHAME) just get engaged in the courtyard of a poverty stricken Chinese village’ were the first thoughts that came to mind but thank god weren’t verbalised.
‘He did it on the Wall’, she continued. ‘Look at my ring, I’m engaged’.

I tried to string my best Mandarin together to arrange an impromptu, killer toast with the waitron, but ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’ were never going to get any Moët delivered to our table. Instead, we cheers’d with a combo of Pepsis, soup and Tsing Tao beer.

Pasty was red-az. Part sunburn, part sheer euphoria. Captain Britain, although rockin a dull English exterior, successfully completed his mission by making Pasty the happiest girl in the world that day. Result!

The moral of this little fable is that we all have a little Captain Britain inside, and it’s important that we let him out as much as possible*

*exceptions to this rule are of course when you are FBR’d at a dodgy Karaoke bar near Chinatown, London, and you’re attempting to get the Captain out and burrow him into the ears of female colleagues – hypothetically speaking, of course! Not Ideal.

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  • Sophie on May 20th 2010 at 10:53

    I love that you’re no less foolish in China than you were over here – missing your randomness…but I don’t think Helen’s missing your Captain at all!

    Very jealous of your adventures – sounds and looks fab!

  • Michelle Nienhuis on May 20th 2010 at 11:18

    roughness !!

  • Murray on May 20th 2010 at 10:36

    Dude – sounds like you’ve gone a bit batty and are in need of some meaningful convie. Just dont break out in that old KES red-shirt and wander back to Bangkok on us, see!

  • elly on May 29th 2010 at 07:01

    Mike, that was hilarious. Thanks for the shout out, much appreciated! Me and Russ tried to re-tell the eel story, it did not go down well again, tough crowd.

    much love

    elly and russ

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