Before I start, I encourage all female (and male) readers who have ever cast me in the starring role of ‘Your Sexual Fantasy’ to refrain from reading the remainder of this story…
After experiencing some anoos issues, I went to the Doc last week. His inspection revealed that my bum resembled a vineyard from Stellenbosch, and he booked me in for surgical harvesting. Not ideal!
Being told that I’m ‘too young to have haemorrhoids’ didn’t really make the situation any better as I checked into the Linksfield hospital on Monday morning.
I geared up for my enema from the only male nurse in the ward, but was pleasantly surprised to hear that my fate was different from all the other geezers who were undergoing colonoscopies and other oscopies of an anal probe nature.
There was no foreplay for me. I was taken to theatre, drugged, had my legs thrown behind my head. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am!
Next minute I was returning to a conscious state and telling the nursing staff how fucking sore I was, apologising for saying the ‘fuck’ word and blaming my occupation for my filthy mouth, while cursing the fucking anaesthetist and telling him to up the ante on my fucking morphine!
I convinced one of the nurses to give me a hug and the increased acceleration of drug input to my veins took me to a happy place.
Linksfield hospital staff are saints. The amount of times that I exposed them to my penis, cried for my mom and made them remove plasters from my bum cheeks during a 24 hour period, entitles them to a formal sainthood of some kind.
Haemorrhoids are siff and totally unsexy, but we’re all adults here and there’s no point in acting manly if you have a medical problem. There’s nothing awkward about bending over to the front and touching your toes in front of a doctor.
Old buggers get them, pregnant chicks are susceptible to them and even 26 year old athletic, really really ridiculously good-looking males can contract bad ass piles! If your nought resembles a bunch of grapes, take my advice and get that shit checked out, yo!
Prescription painkillers FTW…