This isn’t a happy post. There are no mentions of pugs or penises or any of the usual BS that I manage to cram into the 300-odd words that I scrape together for my (and hopefully your) entertainment.

Saturday started out in a merry christmas kind of way. I summoned the fancy dress gods for inspiration re a suitable Jo’burg Day outfit and then it hit me…

Google 'Jack Parow' if you're thinking to yourself: 'WTF?'

Jo’burg Day was a chillax-to-the-max kind of affair. An abundance of sunshine; free boerie rolls and beer courtesy of the legends at Castle Lager and Matchworld; underage shrills and training-bra throwing as Locnville stormed the stage; and more Boksburg/Brakpan/Benoni accents than you could shake a stick at.

Tampon (one of my best friendens) and I had carpooled to the festival – not to save the environment or anything noble like that – we both just happen to live on the East si-eed, innit!

Day turned to dusk, we decided to call it a day and bounce out. The biggest upfuck about the parking area was that there was no official signage indicating the lot you were in or enough foodlights for you to actually see your vehicle. We weren’t the only tard-y ones and were joined by a host of other lost Jo’burgers, as night time fell and cars continued to be ‘misplaced’. At one stage, we had about six car guards on the hunt for my tjorrie. Nothing!

Fast forward two and a bit hours and Tampon and I had seen so many Corolla mirages that when we eventually recovered ‘Caroline’ (what my old man calls her), we didn’t even have any energy to high-five each other. We were so over it and just wanted to get the funk out of there.

We arrived back at my house, opened the door for Tampon – who was in urgent need of a super-sized pee – I followed behind her and turned to close and lock the door behind me. The rest of the details are still a bit hazy and buried in the subconscious, but I remember my eyes were like deers caught in the headlights of the four, 9mm barrels that silently approached me from the shadows. I remember my heart wanting to climb into my oesophagus to escape for safety, but I managed to scream.

Tampon heard my screams and ran to the garage door, but it was locked. The four armed, upstanding cunt(rymen)s took me down and attempted to shut me up. ‘Please don’t hurt us, we’ll give you anything you want, please don’t hurt us sir’ – it was like a script from a trauma manual and it’s like people always tell you. You never know how you are going to react in that situation.

I remember crying and being told to ‘stop crying you fuckin’ baby’, hands going in every direction, inside my pockets, down my legs, shoes being removed and laces cutting off the circulation from my wrists to my fingertips. Being hit on the head and punched in the back for squealing like a bitch.

We were taken upstairs, asked about ‘jewelry, guns, safe’ , ‘jewelry, guns, safe’, ‘jewelry, guns, safe’ …

They were too precise. They knew my house better than me. There was cocking of pistols, loading of magazines, the taste of terror escaping through my taste buds and permeating through every pore. Tampon and I were like livestock waiting for an uncertain, but frightening inevitability…

Seconds were days, minutes were years, and the 60-70 minute period that those fucktards oozed their evil stink throughout my folks’ bedroom and study was the most terrifying experience of my life. There is nothing worse in this world than being completely helpless. It’s a nightmare that you’re begging to wake up from.

Once they left, I managed to untie my hands and feet and contact our security company. It took a while but a letter opener did the trick to free Tampon. The security, my brother-in-law (Rambo :), the police, CSI (literally) were all there within a few minutes. I have hated on corrupt cops before here, but thank you to the Bedfordview Police Station for all your awesomeness. They even phoned Tampon yesterday to make sure she was ok and suggested some options for counseling.

From 9pm on Saturday night until 1am Sunday, we had been hostage’d, interviewed, consoled, hugged and ridden the rollercoaster of emotional extremes – we were fuxhausted.

Sunday was difficult. I broke down several times during the day but had the fortune of finding a shrink who was willing to see me on a Sunday evening. Big thanks to Janis Williams for your kindness and friendship and hugs and for letting me get a lot of shit off my chest!

A lot of people have asked if I want to go back to the UK now because of the above events. Honest answer: ‘Fuck no!’

For those four evil cunts who have temporarily taken a bit of my soul, there have been a hundred amazing people who have called and facebook’d and and and and, and they are the reason I love my home and South Africa in general (thanks all you cheeky lil monkeys, love you guys). I don’t need to waste my time by getting angry. I’m jumpy as fuck and prone to teary outbursts in the most random places, but the bad guys only win, when you give them the power!

Dear bad guys,

Go Fuck yourselves and die a slow painful gonorrhea-induced death!

Lots of love
Me (and Tampon)

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  • Tami on Sep 7th 2010 at 04:50

    You summed it all up pretty well Sharm, the adventures of the Sharmpon (i just made that up) sure as hell aren’t for the faint hearted…

    You are the funniest, craziest, bravest, bestest friend ever! Thanks for aweful day, cant imagine sharing that with anyone else! As i said, i might be from the Pan and if you wanted our friendship to reach new levels of closeness, you coulda just ordered 4 guys with roses and violins, not 4 posers with violence!

    Luv ya madly!
    xxx

  • Jayne Stala on Sep 7th 2010 at 05:04

    Oh my god guys, how awful!!!! So glad to hear you’re ok bugger. I can’t imagine being in that situation, but like you say, don’t let those f*cking scummy c*nts win and make you live in fear. Hope they catch the b*stards and stamp on their b*llacks with studded boots! Jayne xxxx

  • alexi on Sep 7th 2010 at 05:24

    WHAAAAAAAAAAT sorry man!!! hope you ok!!! glad u ok!!! and not hurt!

    alexi

  • SheBee on Sep 7th 2010 at 05:27

    Dude, I had no idea, jaysus! I was so busy going on about my trip to the cape that I didn’t go online much really.

    I’m so happy you’re both okay, and I’m REALLY glad you went for counselling so soon already – that’s brilliant. Don’t be afraid to go back whenever you need to, see?

    Tampons comment above made me lol.

    xxx

  • Rohan and Margs on Sep 7th 2010 at 07:59

    Yo Bugger / Mike / Sharman the Barman,

    Bud, i’m so sorry to hear the farked up news. not lekker china! i agree with the gonorhhea induced death and hope them fucks get found and hung by their balls.

    Stay srong bro and im sure you’ll keep believing in this amazingly fucked up beautiful country.

    Will chat soon.

    Ro & Margs
    xxx

  • Gel on Sep 7th 2010 at 08:42

    Heavy !!

    You gotta try look at the funny side of it though to get through it, I still remember when I got that terrible call from my mother when it happen to them and my mother still tells her funny story of how they had the whole family on the couch with 5 guns pointing at them screaming and shouting and my mother kept saying ,’ baba please, you can take whatever you want but please baba my dinner is on the stove and its going to burn.’ and swear , the little one put down his gun down, went to the kitchen, came back and said , ‘ i put it on zeer-oh is thet okeh ? ‘ wahahahaha

    thanks goodness it was you and brave tampon rather than you and hobo , OMG i can just picture hobo saying to them ‘ bro , thats not cool bro, can i make you a pizza with double cheese whilst you make yourself at home ‘ hahaha

    seriously though – thank goodness you guys are ok !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Mike on Sep 7th 2010 at 11:31

    Much love ya’ll!

    Gel, I still love that story about your mom dude and how the little crim was so concerned about turning the stove down and not fucking up the meal. Epic!

  • Brigetta Garvey on Sep 8th 2010 at 08:05

    Sending out much love to you both!!!! You will survive!!!

  • Catherine on Sep 8th 2010 at 10:37

    Buddy and Tam
    Thinking of you both!
    God Bless you and keep you safe!
    Lots of love, Catherine

  • martin on Sep 8th 2010 at 11:06

    hi sharm!

    sad news, glad you are ok.
    jen sends her love!

    laters

    • Mike on Sep 8th 2010 at 11:10

      Karaoke! I look forward to smashing tequila in my FACE with you at my bday 😉

  • Jeanette awesome sister on Sep 8th 2010 at 11:26

    Hey Boetie, share some love in the story for your cool sister who gave you a HELLO KITTY bed for the night and your two gorgeous blonde nieces who gave you back rubs and tickles!! Sorry my boet, hate tht you had to have this experience on your return, but you did well!!! YOU ARE ALIVE AND KICKING and much stronger to make it in AFRICA xxxxx LOVE YOU

    • Mike on Sep 8th 2010 at 11:32

      You PR yourself much better than I ever could. The Hello Kitty bed was special, as were the morning cartoons with the Gangsta and Courtina! lovehugskisses x!

  • Melody on Sep 8th 2010 at 12:27

    Dude… I’m so sorry to hear that!

    Glad you and your friend are both “ok” well alive at least – the world would be a far less colourful place without you.

    Stay strong.

    Mel

  • nicolascallegari on Sep 8th 2010 at 12:57

    Mike, dude. Having been through a similar ordeal a while ago I can only imagine what you’re going through now. But you’re a fighter and you have an amazing support system, make every use of it. Thank Galactus you and Tampon are okay.

    *fistpunch*

  • Joanne on Sep 8th 2010 at 02:42

    You are a very brave man, stay strong, but hell you dont deserve to live like that!!

  • mari on Jan 24th 2011 at 08:56

    I found this post now. I was tied up and gagged at gunpoint 3 weeks ago. reading about your experience helps – mostly it helps to know that what I’m going through is normal.

    that day they only took my phone and wallet. I convince myself everyday that that’s all they took from me. The truth is, it’s not – it takes a while to get it all back.

    So thanks for your post, mister. It helps 🙂

    Cheers,
    Mari

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