Letsgorob and I have been mates since we were six. We were in the same class, every year for 10 years. We went to varsity together. His mom still makes me sandwiches when we have sleepovers. True story.
For a skinny dude, he’s a badass mofo. He takes some big hits on the wall of the indoor soccer arena, weekly. When we were in Standard 6, he didn’t even know he had dislocated his collar bone after taking one of the biggest hits I had ever seen in my Under 14 career. Quite simply: it takes something EpicFierce to keep him down.
Thursday night he was on the receiving end of something EpicFierce. A tackle that saw his right kneecap reposition itself somewhere in the vicinity of his right calf. Not ideal.
When dudes play sport together, there is always an injury expert in-house:
“Put ice on it. No, put Deep Heat on it. I studied to be a chiropractor, I can pop it. Give him sugar water. Make him hop on one leg while he touches his nose.”
FFS. Needless to say, the experts were told to get bent as we waited on Netcare aka Net-we-don’t-give-a-flying-fuC(k)are.
40 minutes later, the ambulance arrived, sans drugs. We had to wait a further 20 for the bearer of the morphine to arrive. That’s how bad it was. We needed the heavy stuff. Enter Thabani “I’m so cool I think I just stepped off the set of Grey’s Anatomy” Fuckane. He strolled in, put his arm around a colleague, was the complete opposite of any metaphor I could use here to indicate any kind of urgency.
I lost my shit. I told him to hurry the fuck up. He went even slower. But after all of that, Letsgo finally received a drip of the good stuff
But wait, there’s more. With Letsgo locked and loaded into the ambulance, the driver of said ambulance turned to me and asked:
“Um, we only know how to get to the Linksfield on the highway. Do you know a quicker route?”